


cover me (in your days and nights)

by bluetiles



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: 12 Princes Fest, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Established Relationship, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, impeccably late.. but made of love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-07-02 06:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15791154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluetiles/pseuds/bluetiles
Summary: Chanhee takes timid steps towards learning how to do the right thing, and Juyeon learns the layers to love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! Welcome to my first piece on AO3. I'm ecstatic that it's a junew fic!
> 
> This fic was actually written as a part of the "12 Princes" ficfest (@/tbzficfest on Twitter). My prompt was for a Juyeon/New established relationship within a Soulmate AU setting. To the darling The B that submitted this prompt, I can only hope that I fulfilled it to the best of my abilities, and that it is to your liking. Thank you for allowing me to explore Juyeon and Chanhee's personalities, together and apart.
> 
> To my dear friends S, and W, thank you for your help, your encouragement, and your love.
> 
> Happy reading!

Chanhee doesn’t know how it happened, still can’t _believe_ it sometimes, but here he is, sitting next to Juyeon at an _izakaya_ with the rest of the gang, trying to control the heat in his face from showing through because they’re holding hands under the table. He bites his bottom lip, forcing his eyes to wander elsewhere as Juyeon slowly rubs his thumb across the top of his hand, tracing the grooves of each of his knuckles. Chanhee steals a second-long look at Juyeon, who seems utterly unphased, cooly engaged in his conversation with Younghoon and Sunwoo who are sat directly across the way. It’s almost aggravating, really-- but Chanhee could never bring himself to be mad at him.

“Chanhee?”

Chanhee’s turns to his right to face Kevin, but a part of him never loses focus from the hand clasped in his. He hums in response, looking up innocently as his friend stares back at him with concerned eyebrows. “You doing okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine! Did i miss something?”

“Sangyeon-hyung asked if you want to order anything else, on him… twice.” Eric follows up. He’s sitting across the table, next to Jacob and Haknyeon.

“No, I’m okay, thanks.”

Eric smiles and wiggles his shoulders. “S’fine, that just means more for me!” he says, before waving a waiter over to order two plates of fried squid and another _budae-jjigae._

“It’s probably for the better. Check out his cheeks, he’s probably already had too much to drink for the night.” Jaehyun bluntly points out, and Chanhee can feel the heat rising to his face. _Oh god, oh go--_

“Chanhee- _ah_ , are you feeling okay?” Juyeon asks, as he gently tightens the grip around their hands, staring with soft eyes, and the pang of anxiety maneuvering its way into Chanhee’s chest seems to disappear as soon as they lock eyes. That’s the power of a soulmate, he guesses. If only he could be so sure.

“It’s only 11 PM, but if you want to go home, I don’t mind taking you back.”

“What? N-no, I’m fine! It’s oka--” Juyeon squeezes his hand tightly, smiles gently at him with those slightly catty, curved lips of his, and Chanhee gets it, _a-aah_ ’s in false realization, and continues “--actually, I have an assignment due tomorrow night that needs to be looked over, maybe I should head out now...”

Juyeon lets go of his hand, moving to finish the half-pint of beer by his plate. He sighs satisfactorily when the glass is drained empty, stands up, and offers a hand to Chanhee, who is still seated beside him. “Ready to go?”

Chanhee slides his hand back into Juyeon’s waiting palm, catching his balance on the way up (maybe he _did_ have one too many drinks). They pull on their coats, say goodbye to their friends for the night, and make their way into the snowfall, Chanhee false-drunkenly gripping Juyeon’s upper arm in a gesture that disguises their true intentions for heading out so early.

When they’re outside, and a safe distance away from the bar, Chanhee takes the initiative and slips a hand snugly into Juyeon’s coat pocket, where his own hand sits waiting. It’s like a scene out of a movie, two young boys, infectiously in love, walking through the darkness as Seoul glows in the backdrop. Three years ago, Chanhee never could have imagined being here, especially not with a boy like Juyeon staring back at him, eyes soft, slightly lidded in the cold; he definitely doesn’t know how he got here.

Chanhee had always liked Juyeon-- what’s not to love about an incredibly handsome, accomplished, multi-faceted person that treats everyone around him with kindness? Of course, jealousy was no stranger to Chanhee, but there was nothing in Juyeon that sparked any semblance of the feeling; they simply did not have anything that the other desired, and Chanhee respected that about him, revered him instead, for all of his strengths. He’d known about Juyeon since his first week at the performing arts academy he’d enrolled in as soon as he moved to Seoul, just to give himself any reason to be singing. Kids would throw his name around in the hallways, swooning over the _“cool, handsome, dancer sunbaenim”_ a couple months older than him, but they never ran into each other, since dance and music classes were held on different floors.

Then, later that year, Changmin invited him to a bar to “meet his friends” after school, and Chanhee finally met the elusive Juyeon in the flesh. Afterwards, they’d see each other often, at least once every two weeks. If they passed each other in the halls of the academy, they’d wave and say hi, but never had any reason to pursue conversations beyond that.

If there was one person that shaped Chanhee into the person he was today, it was Ji Changmin. They met in an advanced Algebra course in Chanhee’s first semester of college. Fresh out of Jeonju and set slightly off-kilter thanks to the vastness of Seoul city, Chanhee remembers feeling incredibly reserved despite being in his element; it was Changmin, his seat neighbour, who seemed to notice this, and would slowly ease Chanhee out of his shell by asking him questions about homework and inviting him to hang out after class. Eventually, Changmin transferred to Chanhee’s performing arts academy for dance, a long-time hobby of his, on a personal recommendation. Chanhee knows that, without Changmin in his life, he probably wouldn’t have taken three steps outside of his apartment unless it was for school or work. Instead, Chanhee grew familiar with the sights and sounds, smells and secrets, of his new home, with Ji Changmin at his side.

Soon enough, and with Changmin’s help, Chanhee’s circle of friends had grown into a group of 12 boys, including himself, and his life as a university student finally seemed to be “by-the-books”. It was nothing to complain about-- Chanhee was thankful for any ounce of normality in his life, after the whirlwind of emotions and struggles of his grade school years. As much as he loved his family, home wasn’t the easiest place to be, and Jeonju was quiet, far too quiet, for the ambitions that Chanhee held for his future. His first year seems to pass in the blink of an eye; he settles into multiple part-time jobs, gets vocal training three times a week, and somehow maintains the maths scholarship he’s in university for.

In a world like this, a world of soulmates and fated partners, Chanhee would be lying if he said he never wondered what it would be like to have Juyeon as his own. But Juyeon wasn’t the only face to grace his thoughts-- it was the dashing boys that he’d brush past on the ways to work or school; the middle-aged man he serves coffee to every Wednesday and Friday afternoon; the pretty person that sat at the far-left of his Music History IV elective. Between his jobs and his coursework, though, there never seemed to be time to daydream, not even in the sweet-spot between when he gets under the covers and before he falls asleep. Whenever the scenarios did cross his mind, though, he’d shake them off and deem every situation improbable.

He’d always thought that Hyunjoon, lovely and charismatic and equally as talented at dancing, was the perfect match for Juyeon. Chanhee would be in their lives, celebrating their happiness in the background, just as a friend, never as someone in the foreground. And Chanhee knew how much Juyeon _adored_ Hyunjoon. He’d be chic about it, dance around the subject if asked directly, but if given the chance, Chanhee knows that Juyeon could go non-stop for a few hours about how incredible Hyunjoon is, how much he’d achieved in the short time he’d been enrolled in the academy, how his appearance versus his personality was so enigmatic, how _this or that_ made him incredibly charming...

Then, Hyunjoon showed up to a dance practice room at the academy as the clock was about to strike 7, before the boys planned on heading out for a night of drinks and barbecue to celebrate the end of the semester, and slowly pulled up the left sleeve of his sweatshirt, revealing a familiar vine-like marking across his upper-arm that ran right under his elbow. Everyone turned to Jaehyun, who stared at Hyunjoon, eyes wide, a tight grip around his own arm.

Hyunjoon smiled bashfully. “I woke up this morning with… _this_ . I guess you’re my soulmate, Jaehyun- _hyung_.”

“Jaehyun?!?” the room exclaimed all at once.

“ _Me?!?_ ” Jaehyun echoed, his tone as incredulous as everyone else’s.

The room was abuzz with a mix of emotions: happiness, surprise, bewilderment. Chanhee’s eyes automatically wandered to Juyeon, whose serious face hid his emotions almost _too_ well, yet Chanhee couldn’t help but feel an incredible amount of sadness as soon as their eyes met. Juyeon cleared his throat, breaking their eye contact, and the shiver that threatened to crawl up Chanhee’s spine dissipated immediately. But the hurt lingered, stung at Chanhee’s chest, sat at the back of his mind for hours and hours until he couldn’t fall asleep because he was too busy thinking of Juyeon’s cloudy face.

It was three in the morning, and Chanhee laid awake, staring at the ceiling of his studio, a tiny hole-in-the-wall, tucked into the folds of an old apartment at the top of a hill in _Hoehyeong-dong_ that he could barely just afford. The light from Namsan tower shone through the blinds, casting a blue-green glow on his walls, making it even harder to fall asleep as his mind catalogued the day’s events. Jaehyun, Eric, and Jacob were the only three in their friend group that were born with their soul-marks. Stretched and faded with time, each of theirs had grown and changed with the bodies they were a part of. But as soon as Jaehyun had pulled his sleeve up at the dinner table to show Hyunjoon his own, the mark appeared to be completely new, as if it had only appeared yesterday.

“It wasn’t… like that this morning…” Jaehyun mumbled in awe. Chanhee could see the rosy glow across his cheeks, the way Hyunjoon’s eyes seemed to sparkle when he looked at Jaehyun; he also noticed the way the upturned corners of Juyeon’s lips twitched as the group celebrated. They met eyes briefly; Chanhee shot him a concerned smile, and Juyeon, as if on cue, gave Chanhee his ‘safe’ smile, the one he reserved for all occasions-- but there was something about it that was slightly subdued, a little dimmer than Chanhee was used to. He’s shocked out of his stream of recollection when his phone buzzes from his desk-- Chanhee reached out to grab it, reading the clock on his home screen: _3:07 A.M_.

A KakaoTalk notification glowed yellow on the display: it was from Juyeon. As soon as Chanhee read the preview, he felt his body temperature rise, the tingling in his fingertips resembling what he had felt earlier that day.

 

_[ljy, 3:07:08 AM]: “for some reason, i can’t stop thinking about you tonight”_

 

And just like that, all the galaxies inside of Chanhee’s chest seem to converge and explode. His body flooded with warmth, though the breaths he exhaled were condensated in the chilly fall air. He texted back with shaking fingers, his mind fuzzy with an awkward blend of fatigue and euphoria.

Chanhee let Juyeon text him about his heartbreak, what he didn’t know _would be_ heartbreak until he heard the words that left Hyunjoon’s lips earlier that afternoon. His crush on Hyunjoon had always been kept secret, and he insists that it wasn’t supposed to happen, but Juyeon had always loved the idea of “love”, of soulmates, of finding his perfect person, and in the same ways that Chanhee had speculated, Juyeon had only found perfect harmony in the moments he spent with Hyunjoon. Chanhee learned about Juyeon’s insecurities, about how much of a romantic he is. Chanhee asked Juyeon if he cried today, just because he was curious. There’s a pause between the question and response.

 

_[ljy, 3:56:03 AM]: “... maybe. just a bit”_

 

Chanhee understood, hiding the quiet sensation in his chest at Juyeon’s honesty behind a pitiful smile and a bite of his bottom lip. Juyeon thanked him for his time; Chanhee let him know it was nothing to be thankful for, but left out that he was the warmest he’d ever felt in a long time.

 

_[newstar_CCH, 4:01:12 AM]: “i’ll always be here to listen. gnite, juyeon!”_

_[ljy, 4:01:20 AM]: “thanks, chanhee. goodnight”_

 

And things just seemed to fall into place after that. Juyeon’s presence was sprinkled in the time between Chanhee’s part time jobs, schoolwork, and vocal lessons. Sometimes he’d come and pick Chanhee up after his shifts at the _soondubu_ restaurant, or meet him outside their performance academy to walk him home. Chanhee made a routine of stopping by Juyeon’s university on the days he had off, waiting by the campus gates for him to finish class so they could sit in cafes and study, or watch movies. Then one day, while they were walking back to the station after a day of sports along the Han river with the rest of the guys, the sun setting along the horizon, Juyeon grabbed Chanhee by the wrist, and tugged lightly.

The setting sun colored his cheeks, hidden behind the scarf around his neck. “Wait. Can I... kiss you?”

Chanhee breathed warm moisture into the frostbitten air as he spoke. “Please,”

And the sun dipped out of the sky.

Neither of them called it “dating”, but that seemed to be what they practised after that day. Chanhee never considered himself to be a particularly insecure person, but the sheer improbability of the whole situation had him _praying_ every night that he wasn’t a rebound, that for once, things were looking up for him, that he _deserved_ this and Juyeon also wanted to be here, with him. Whatever kept them together felt like gravity, an intense pull towards Juyeon’s laugh, the echo of his deep voice, the simple and honest conversations they’d share. Maybe, Chanhee thinks to himself, that’s what having a soulmate is supposed to feel like. He wouldn't know, though; he _couldn't_ , not until his soulmark made its appearance on his body. But all these thoughts bear a heavy burden, so Chanhee decides to live in the moment.

 

~

 

Juyeon had planned their early exit from the very beginning. They're walking shoulder to shoulder-- despite his smaller frame, Chanhee and Juyeon aren't very far apart in height-- and Chanhee’s hand is still tucked into the pocket of Juyeon’s coat. When they get to Chanhee’s apartment and the door clicks shut behind them, Juyeon wraps his arms around Chanhee’s waist from behind and nuzzles his neck, before twirling him around to inhale his kisses like they’re oxygen. After they part, Chanhee runs a hand through Juyeon’s brown locks, tracing the skin behind his ear before resting it on his broad chest.

“You’re a sneaky one, aren’t you?”

“I guess I wanted to know how much warmer being in the snow would be if I were beside you.” Juyeon smirks. Chanhee laughs in response, a light and airy staccato like the timbre of his singing voice; Juyeon has come to love the sound in the months they’ve grown closer. “besides, we didn’t spend a lot of time together tonight, because Eric wouldn’t stop talking... I wanted to spend time with you is all, you know?”

“Juyeon, we were sitting next to each other, holding hands, the entire time.” Chanhee deadpans, and Juyeon laughs, well-rounded and warm and hearty. Chanhee can’t beat the smile that appears on his face and he leans forward, chuckling into his boyfriend’s chest.

“I’d ask you to stay the night, but you and I both know--”

“--that you work an early shift tomorrow morning, I know. Choi Chanhee, you work too hard, you know that?”

Chanhee sighs, pulling his lips into a tight smile. He traces Juyeon’s jawline gently, a gesture of gratefulness for the fact that there is someone as patient and considerate as Juyeon in his life. “We’ve got to make it in this great big city somehow, don’t we, Juyeon- _ie_? I want to be here, to keep the things that make me happy. Get home safe, okay?”

Despite saying their goodnight’s and goodbye’s, Chanhee insists on walking Juyeon out of the apartment and onto the street that leads back to the station. The snowfall has slowed; what had drifted to the ground in the past hour or so has already melted into the concrete, leaving the path down the hill relatively dry, to both of their relief. Before Juyeon turns to leave, he grabs Chanhee’s left hand and traces his pinkie, looking him straight in the eye; it sends a shiver down Chanhee’s spine, one he can’t blame on the crisp winter air.

“I do, right? I make you happy.” All of the anxious thoughts that Chanhee has kept to himself come flooding back to him, and in that moment it feels like his heart is clashing against itself; the comfort and ease of being by Juyeon’s side versus the agony of not being, of maybe never being, _the one_. He clears his throat and shifts his gaze elsewhere, because Chanhee knows that lying has never been one of his strong suits.

(Not for a moment does Chanhee consider the fast pace at which Juyeon’s heart is beating, how the tip of his tongue is just barely held between his teeth as anxiety scrapes at the back of his throat, as he silently berates himself for the desperate question that had slipped from his lips)

“Juyeon…”

“Wait, no. That was uncalled for, I’m sorry.” Juyeon clears his throat and smiles at him with sad eyes, letting go of Chanhee’s hand so it falls to his side. “I’m happy, you know. You’re everything to me.”

Chanhee takes a deep breath, briefly glancing around them before grabbing Juyeon by the collar of his jacket and planting a quick kiss on his lips.

“Mister number-one heartthrob Lee Juyeon, you’re too good for me, you know that?” he quips.

It’s only half of a joke, but Chanhee doesn’t give that away in the smile on his face. He watches as Juyeon makes his way down the slope and turns at a dimly-lit street corner with one final wave. The snow picks up again, getting caught in the chocolate-brown strands of his hair. Chanhee checks the time, wonders if he has enough of it to slip a bath in before he heads to bed, lest he settle for a quick shower. As he makes his way back up the stairs to his apartment, he remembers how there seems to be so little of it, how it seems to fly past him, and into tomorrow, before he can even recall the events of yesterday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! The end of the first chapter; oh, these boys. Choi Chanhee may be small, but he is courageous, full of wit, he knows himself better than anyone... but there are a couple of things he will learn about himself as we move forward. While growing up, don't we all?
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Stick around, as the second chapter should be up sooner rather than later.
> 
> (yell at me about tbz on twitter: @sohninjang)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back with the next chapter! thank you for the positive feedback on both twitter and ao3; you must know that it means everything to me that you are enjoying my writing. 
> 
> happy reading!

_[cue_q, 5:30:20 PM]: “choi chanhee”_

_[cue_q, 5:30:26 PM]: “yah, choi chanhee”_

_[cue_q, 5:30:32 PM]: “i don’t care what you’re doing right now, you’ve got to get to the dance studio asap”_

_[hyunjaeh, 5:31:06 PM]: “seriously. get your ass here as soon as you can.”_

_[newstar_CCH, 5:50:02 PM]: “??? class ends in 10… omw soon as i can. what’s going on?”_

 

~

 

As soon as his Trig 4 course ends, Chanhee dashes out of the classroom and into the subway, speed-walking into the performance academy building fifteen minutes before closing time. He nods at Juhee _-noona_ , the receptionist for tonight, and she points him in the direction of the room where the boys are waiting for him.

“Okay, I’m here, what’s up?” Chanhee heaves, catching his breath against a wall as soon as he bolts through the doors. Almost immediately Changmin and Kevin catch his eye, their expressions blaring with concern. Sunwoo, who is standing closest to the door, walks over to him and places a hand on his shoulder.

“I’d say congratulations, but I don’t know if that’s the appropriate response yet, so until then... maybe-congratulations.” In the distance, Chanhee hears Eric let out a goofy snicker.

Haknyeon leaps up from his spot on the floor and runs towards Chanhee, causing the latter to flinch backwards, and grabs his left hand, pulling it up until Chanhee’s pinky is facing the rest of the room.

“Looks just like the one!”

“What!?” Chanhee is completely stupefied. His eyes find Changmin and Kevin once more, who are stood awkwardly apart from the rest of the group, clenching their teeth and shaking their heads slightly with wide eyes. All other eyes seem to be on Juyeon, though, who is making his way towards Chanhee with a slightly sheepish smile on his face. Once they’re standing a foot apart, Juyeon lifts his right pinky, holding it against Chanhee’s, and suddenly all of Changmin and Kevin’s distress signals make sense. On his finger is a _very_ familiar cross mark, two faint lines that sit perfectly on his skin. The blood drains from Chanhee’s face, and he looks up at Juyeon, whose cheeks are tinted a slight pink.

“Surprise?”

 

~

 

By some odd miracle, Chanhee is able to escape the room alongside Changmin and Kevin after a couple of minutes of “celebrating” with the gang, saying that his boss had called him into a shift at the restaurant last-minute to cover for a missing employee. Chanhee knows that Juyeon’s upset, what with the way his face fell when he grabbed his allies by the wrists and practically ran out of the door, after feigning his excitement at the big reveal. As soon as they reach the street, the three boys make a break for it, speed-walking towards the nearest empty alleyway, where they can discuss the matter as privately as being outside on a Friday evening can afford them.

“You haven’t _told him_?!” Changmin starts, as soon as they reach their destination. He crosses his arms, clearly upset. “Chanhee, that’s not how relationships work.”

“The topic never came up!” Chanhee rebuts weakly, his shoulders drooping.

Kevin sighs. “Look, we get it, it isn’t easy admitting that your tattoo was basically part of a scheme to get a church-oppa to notice you, but... really? It’s a _tattoo_. Literally, your essence. Forever! That’s _important_!”

God, how could Chanhee forget one of the lowest points of his life, one of the prominent reasons why he left Jeonju without blinking twice? Going to church became fun when he was 15, and met Kijoong- _hyung_ , the 19-year-old pastor’s son who had intricate tattoos running up and down both his arms, whose “Sunday best” consisted of fitted black shirts and ornate belts. His father was tolerant, because Kijoong behaved incredibly well despite his intimidating appearance. He was good to churchgoers, led a youth group every other Friday night (of which Chanhee became a regular), and was well-loved by the adults, including Chanhee’s mother. Kijoong kept his hair short and close-cropped, so that the star-shaped soulmark at the back of his neck was always visible. Chanhee was enamored with everything about him, didn’t know if he wanted to be him or wanted to be by his side; at that age, he didn’t really know the difference, either.

So, Chanhee made his companionship a regular practise. As soon as he turned sixteen, he would follow Kijoong and his posse out to his weekend excursions after youth group. Kijoong would take him to the small offering of live music clubs that Jeonju had to offer. He was exposed to music of all sorts-- underground hip-hop, folk and indie-- and Chanhee loved it all, moreso for the people he was listening with. His hyung would praise Chanhee for the littlest things; it made him feel good, made him want to try harder in everything. Chanhee learned about all of Kijoong’s tattoos, all of the subtle biblical references painted along his arms, and even accompanied his _hyung_ to tattoo parlors to watch him get touch-ups despite being two years underage.

“Is this really okay?” he remembers asking, his voice quivering nervously as he took his first steps into the parlor. Kijoong smiled at him, bright and easygoing.

“It’s no problem, I already told them you’d be coming with me. Besides, you’re interested in tattoos, right?”

Right. Tattoos. _Love ‘em_. Chanhee swallowed his afterthoughts, nodding along, and followed Kijoong deeper into the grungy-looking shop. Eventually, he’d been there often enough that the tattoo artist became familiar with Chanhee, whispered in his ear one day that “Hey, if you come by one day, after school, I’d be willing to do something small on you, free of charge. As thanks for being a good friend to Kijoong. Give it a thought, Chanhee- _yah_.”

If there was one thing his mother taught him that stuck, it was that you always accept free things; it’ll always turn out well, one way or another. And so, at the tender age of sixteen-and-three-fourths, Chanhee shuffled into a tattoo parlor and got the least troublesome thing he could think of; a tiny cross, no more than two centimetres in length, on his pinkie finger. It hurt a lot more than he thought it would, but it was worth it… he thinks? Besides, if it impressed Kijoong as much as he thought it would, nothing could get in the way of his elatedness. Chanhee had it all planned out; he’d come to youth group later that week and lift his finger cheekily, showing off how brave he is, how inspiring his beloved _hyung_ is.

Kijoong would be so humbled and happy, he’d pull Chanhee into a tight embrace, realise how cherished of a presence Chanhee is in his life. They’d be friends for a long time, and then some. Maybe Kijoong would even help Chanhee come up with his next tattoo. He couldn’t wait to tell his hyung, and excitedly babbled about his new tattoo to his classmates that were fellow church goers before his fated Friday came...

...Except, Kijoong never showed up to youth group that day. He wasn’t at church the Sunday after, either. Chanhee didn’t ask any questions, didn’t want to risk being too obvious. It turns out, he wouldn’t need to, because two weeks later, Kijoong walked into their youth group meeting with a pretty _noona_ in tow. Chanhee recognized her from the ice cream shop a block or two away from the BBQ place he worked part-time at. She usually wore her hair down, but had it in a high ponytail today. Almost immediately, Chanhee realised why; on her nape was a little, perfect star, so delicate it was as if someone had put it there on purpose. It looked just like the one Chanhee had spent the past two years yearning for, the one that rested on Kijoong’s own neck.

He felt the heat rise to his face, and habitually tucked his left hand behind his back, out of view. Kijoong was approaching him now, with the ice cream girl-- his _soulmate_ \-- in tow.

“Chanhee, this is Heejin. She’s my soulmate.”

It was the first time in their two years of knowing each other that Chanhee had ever seen Kijoong _blush_. Heejin smiled, she was beautiful, and let go of Kijoong’s hand to shake his own.

“Kijoong talks about you all the time, Chanhee-yah. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

All the time?! How long have they known each other, spoken to each other, for her to be able to say that? Oh, the _agony_! Chanhee bit back the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him, swallowed and smiled back. It hurt, of course it did. But Chanhee would rather let his feelings go out with a fizzle, than a dramatic bang. So he chose politeness over anything else… not that he was capable of “anything else".

“Congratulations, to the both of you.”

Kijoong and Heejin looked at each other at the same time, their cheeks deepening in colour as they giggled bashfully, linking hands again. It was as if a corny drama had played out before Chanhee’s eyes-- he decided at that moment that he was really more of a reality tv and documentaries kind of guy.

“Oh, by the way Chanhee, the other kids mentioned that you had something you wanted to show me. What is it?”

If it was possible for his left hand to dig itself a deeper hole into his back pocket, Chanhee would have-- he’d force it into the Earth’s core if he could. Instead, he chose to clench his fist, tucking his pinkie between his palm with the rest of his fingers (it stung a bit; the tattoo was still young), and shook his head.

“Oh, it was just a little thing, nothing too major. I, uh, I… left it at home. Maybe next time?”

Kijoong nodded, gave him an awkward two finger salute, and walked away with Heejin at his side. Chanhee was good at goodbyes, and timed his own well. He attended church for two more weeks before telling his youth group that school was catching up to him, and that he “remorsefully” had to withdraw from all extracurricular activities. Chanhee never saw Kijoong again. A year later, he’d be Seoul-bound, leaving Jeonju with a box full of savings and a mind swimming in regret.

Changmin’s shrill voice interrupts his traumatic flashback. “Did Lee Juyeon, high school student body president that graduated second in his class, _really_ go through three months in a relationship with you without questioning whether or not your tattoo was a soulmark??”

Kevin continued,“What do you guys even talk about when you’re together? The weather? What you had for breakfast? Literally everything _but_ the things that matter?!” Chanhee’s mind buzzes with both his own questions and his friends’, the dreaded anxieties he’s held in his heart related to his relationship with his boyfriend culminating as the base of all of his emotions.

“Aaargh, okay!” Chanhee interrupts their stream of criticisms, grabbing his head and squeezing his eyes shut.

“ _Okay,_ I get it. I should have told him. We should have talked about it but there’s nothing we can do now. We’ve just got to figure this out. You guys have got to _help me_ figure this out. Please?”

The two boys let out a long sigh in unison. “I don’t know what’s more ironic, the fact that Juyeon is one of the least religious of all of us but has a cross for a soulmark, or the fact that he thinks you’re soulmates when really, you have a tattoo and it’s the relic of an old crush.” Kevin laments.

Changmin looks at Chanhee with the most dramatically exasperated eyes he’d ever seen in their two years of friendship. “By the way, Choi Chanhee, you really have to get better at lying. Did you _see_ Juyeon’s face before we ran out of the room?! He’s going to be moping for DAYS. Ugh, I have to text Younghoon…”

Changmin turns away to pull out his phone and send who-knows-what to Younghoon, who is also one of Juyeon’s closest friends. Kevin places a hand delicately on Chanhee’s shoulder, with only sympathy in his eyes. “Hey, no one saw this coming. Don’t worry too much, it’s not as bad as you think.”

“What do I do?” Chanhee sighs, leaning onto the alleyway for support. His legs feel wobbly; he doesn’t know how he’s going to get to his actual shift at the convenience store later tonight, doesn’t even want to think about whether or not Juyeon will show up to it-- _god forbid_ he does. “I’m…”

 _Scared._ Of what, Chanhee asks himself? But there is so much to be afraid of-- his own embarrassment over why he got the tattoo in the first place, the possibility that revealing the truth might cause a rift in their relationship that Chanhee doesn’t know how to fix in the current moment. Regret fills his body for taking advantage of the fact that Juyeon never asked him about the seemingly innocent mark on his left pinkie; he _should_ have been honest from the very start, but there simply isn’t time for “should”s anymore. Before the anxiety can consume him, he feels Kevin’s grip tighten on his shoulder in a gentle gesture of comfort, a silent apology for the little that he was capable of doing in this situation.

“You could… ask Eric? Maybe?” Kevin suggests, shrugging and offering a light smile. “He loves this kind of stuff, right? He’s always scrolling through sites on modern soulmate theory, or whatever, whenever we’re chilling in the library. Maybe he’ll know something.”

 

~

 

Juyeon stands dumbly at the centre of the practise room, watching as Chanhee scrambles out the door with Kevin and Changmin in tow. Before he ducks out, Changmin turns to Juyeon apologetically and mouths “sorry”. Sorry? What’s he sorry for?

“Huh,” Sangyeon-hyung says, watching the door slowly swing closed before shutting with a soft click.

“Huh,” repeats Sunwoo.

“Huh,” Juyeon joins in just for effect, though he can’t shake the confusion of _what the heck just happened_ from his mind.

It’s been quite the day, Juyeon recalls. Everything was completely fine (he brushed his teeth, washed up, texted Chanhee his usual “good morning”, got dressed and walked to campus without delays or distractions) until he had shown up to his 9:30 class, Biology 4 with Younghoon. They greeted each other, Younghoon’s eyes half-shut until they widened suddenly, and he grabbed Juyeon’s right hand with too much fervor for ‘Younghoon at nine in the morning’.

“This… did you see this?” Younghoon turns Juyeon’s hand so that his pinkie is facing upwards, where he sees a familiar mark, something he’s seen hundreds of times now, just not on his own body; a little cross mark, slightly faded at the ends, new and old all at once. He rubs at it, to see if it would fade away, but it stays put, the skin underneath turning red from all the friction.

They look at each other, mouths parted, and Juyeon’s head is swimming with elation and surprise before he breathes out a laugh, and Younghoon pulls him in for a quick hug.

“Congratulations, Juyeon. Things really worked out for you, huh?”

Of all the friends to tell his secrets to, Juyeon trusts Younghoon the most, if not for his quiet demeanor (when he isn’t overcome with excitement, at least). He’s known since day one about he and Chanhee’s relationship, and listens well whenever Juyeon has things to say.

He spent the day wondering about what to do, whether or not to text Chanhee about it sooner rather than later-- but no, Chanhee would prefer that they were speaking in person, wouldn’t he? Juyeon chose to hold off on the news; he’d wait until they came together at the dance studio later that night, where all their friends could celebrate the news together. The pounding in his chest wouldn’t subside until he revealed the mark to those that arrived at the dance studio early, unable to suppress the smile on his face.

He didn’t expect the flurry of excitement that followed, the texts that would infiltrate the group chat, and Choi Chanhee, breathless and beautiful as always, forehead glistening with sweat after rushing from class to get here as soon as he could. He _definitely_ didn’t expect for Chanhee to be out the door so soon-- and he hates to speculate, but they barely met eyes while he was there… did Juyeon do something wrong? _I mean, if he has work, there isn’t anything I can do…_ he ponders. Maybe he should drop by the convenience store later tonight, during Chanhee’s shift-- _oh, but he looked pretty stressed on his way out, so maybe not? Maybe he has a lot on his mind… but why hasn’t he mentioned anything to me?_

An awkward silence fills the room following Chanhee, Changmin, and Kevin’s exit until Jacob clears his throat and clasps his hands together, wearing a nervous smile. “So, uh, Hongdae, anyone?”

The nine boys remaining in the room shuffle out of the performance academy in clusters, chattering ceaselessly, and it’s as if everything is back to normal. They make their way towards a usual haunt, hopping into the subway towards Hongdae and the PC-bang they spend most Thursday evenings at, which is also joined to a cafe. There, the boys take turns playing against each other on three PC’s, with Younghoon, Haknyeon, and Jacob claiming the first round of _Overwatch_. It’s his turn next, but Juyeon, lost in thought, doesn’t feel like playing today.

Seated at the cafe, Juyeon listlessly recalls his most recent conversations with Chanhee. He thinks through countless questions while twiddling his thumbs; has the stress of working so many part time jobs finally gotten to him? _No_ , Chanhee’s used to being so busy, _it can’t be that_. Besides, his jobs aren’t so sacred that Chanhee refrains from bringing up small complaints about rude customers or sloppy managers in regular conversations. Their exchanges have been more or less vanilla as of late, though Juyeon knows that Chanhee tends to hide more of his personal troubles from him because he’s the type that doesn’t like bothering others with his own business. And Juyeon just isn’t the type to prod; he respects that about Chanhee, doesn’t want to put him in a position that forces him to be open about every little thing that happens in his life.

While Chanhee is known as one of the more easygoing members of their friend group-- soft-spoken and understanding, a good listener with decently good advice-- Juyeon finds a little bit of a thrill in the fact that he knows Chanhee’s needier, childish side, better than others. When things aren’t going his way, or if something confuses him, Chanhee’s the worst at hiding it. It’s one of the things they have in common-- the only difference is that Juyeon isn’t the type to say anything about it. Most of the time, he finds himself consoling a whiny, pouty Chanhee in such moments, silently taking notes on how he himself could learn through Chanhee’s lessons.

It’s one of the little things that makes their relationship precious; knowing a little more about the person you love, wanting to see them from a different perspective and gaining the opportunities to do so. The possibility of growth and exploration in both himself, Chanhee, and each other, is everything he’s always wanted out of a relationship… but why does that feel so unfulfilling all of a sudden?

Juyeon’s stream of thoughts, pooling over the edge and threatening to flood him over, are suddenly-- thankfully-- interrupted by Haknyeon, who slides into the seat next to him, breathing as though he had just exhausted his lungs with laughter-- a highly probable scenario, given their place in time, but Juyeon had tuned out an hour or so ago.

“Hyung,” he smiles that big, toothy grin of his, slinging an arm around Juyeon’s shoulders. “it’s your turn!”

Juyeon smiles. “Sorry, Haknyeon. I don’t think I’m up for it tonight. You can take my turn, if you want?”

Haknyeon pouts, but Juyeon can see the way his eyes glisten at the thought of playing another round. “Suit yourself, hyung.” he pushes himself out of his seat, launching himself towards Sunwoo and Hyunjoon as they shift into the arcade.

He spends a couple more minutes puzzling over his thoughts before Jacob plonks down into the seat Haknyeon previously occupied, sliding an unopened can of coke in Juyeon’s direction. Juyeon wraps a hand around its cold exterior, smiling gratefully at Jacob’s kind gesture. “Thanks,”

“Something on your mind?” Jacob asks, tilting his head to the right as he patiently waits for Juyeon’s response. They weren’t the most conspicuous friends at a first glance, but Jacob slowly became a person that Juyeon would take time out of his week to willingly spend hours with. Seeing as they both lived a close distance from the river, the two boys would often meet at odd hours of the day to toss a basketball around before parking themselves around the perimeter of the court, munching on cheap convenience store meals as they spoke about the generally mundane things that occurred in their lives.

Juyeon smiled, but it was dishonest, and he knew Jacob could tell. “Something like that.”

He feels Jacob slide a hand across his shoulders in a gesture of comfort.

“This is about Chanhee, right? I’ll have to admit, that dramatic exit? Was, uh, a little awkward for the lot of us. But I won’t take back my congratulations. I’m happy for you, Juyeon.”

Jacob leans back into his chair and lets out a short laugh. “In fact, I’m surprised you both kept it from us for so long. I can’t believe I didn't notice! Maybe I--”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Juyeon exclaims, the desperation that slips out in his voice catching even himself off guard. He remembers to take a breath, to keep things level-headed, before he continues, “then... why can’t I feel completely happy for myself?”

As soon as the words left his mouth, the floodgates let loose. The thoughts that he had pushed back for so many hours were out in the open, and Juyeon was faced with the disturbing theory that he was linked to a soulmate that would never, for some inexplicable reason, love him back. Did Chanhee even _love_ him? Thinking back, has he ever heard the word fall from Chanhee’s lips? What does that mean for the past couple of months that they’ve spent together? And, if it were the case that Chanhee didn’t want to be with him, could Juyeon ever bring himself to let him go? To _hate him_ , even?

A subconscious movement had somehow led his hand to the can of cola, and Juyeon felt it crackling beneath his fingertips, his grip growing tighter before Jacob swooped in and pulled it away from him before it was given the chance to burst.

“What?! Woah, hey! Juyeon, are you…” the hysteria in Jacob’s voice faded away as he saw the edges of Juyeon’s eyes glaze over, bottom lip caught between his teeth in an attempt to stop the tears from falling “... okay?”

Jacob turns to Sangyeon and Eric, who are leaning against a vintage arcade machine a couple of strides away, all looking back at him with concern. Sangyeon cautiously approaches them, resting his hands on Juyeon’s shoulders. Juyeon lets his tears fall, one, then two, but he can count the ones that trail down his cheeks on both hands. This isn’t something to cry about because as upsetting as it is, he isn’t going to give up and do nothing about it.

“Don’t dwell on things too much,” Sangyeon’s warm voice begins, a beacon of sunlight amongst the distant beeping, clicking and chatter from the gamers in the other room. His grip tightens, and Juyeon feels Jacob pat his forearm comfortingly.

“You’re in a confusing, overwhelming space right now, it’s okay to feel upset.” Jacob continues. Eric shifts towards them too, staring at Juyeon with so much concern in his eyes; they all know that it’s out of love, love and the immense admiration he feels for Juyeon. In that moment, Juyeon feels the tears dry out of his eyes, conscious of and grateful for the people around him that genuinely give a shit about what he’s going through. They’re all going to go through it, someday. Juyeon makes an important note at the back of his mind to be there for his friends when the time comes, too.

And Juyeon knows they’re right; dwelling on things for too long makes you theorize in ways that are unhelpful and anxiety inducing, that’s just the way it goes. While Juyeon considers himself to be a level-headed and composed person, the amount of time he’s spent thinking about Chanhee has really made him realise that in the moments that matter, there are more questions in his head than he has answers, and though he knows he should believe in what he trusts (his heart), he’s having a hard time even doing that. When the realization that there’s a lot he still doesn’t know about Chanhee hits him, it’s unsettling, and worrisome, and upsetting.

It makes the pain in his chest sting a little sharper, but it pushes him to find resolve in the numbness, even if he doesn’t necessarily know where to start. He’ll figure it out, though. He's determined not to come away from this without Chanhee's hand in his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> and there we go! sorry things got mildly (?) angsty in this chapter, but we get to learn a lot more about chanhee's past, and juyeon's true feelings. they're in for a ride, but its one they won't regret ;) 
> 
> (yell at me about tbz on twitter: @sohninjang)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! i know it's been awhile, i'm so awful, i'm so sorry, but i'm slowly but surely getting back to this story & our lovely protagonists. i'm aiming to have everything done within the next month or so, so i hope you're looking forward to how our story continues to play out.
> 
> enjoy the third chapter of 'cover me'~

It takes three days for Eric to respond to Chanhee’s KakaoTalk message, (his first reply reads, “ _soz i was playing pubg_ ”) but only three minutes for him to agree to meet under the pretense of a free meal (“f _ree food?? YES_ ”).  
  
“You and Juyeon have been _dating?!_ YES!” Eric pumps a fist into the air victoriously as Chanhee stares on, bewildered. They’re seated at a _Twosome Place_ a couple of blocks from the apartment Eric shares with Sunwoo and Haknyeon, two orders of Bingsu, and a plate of waffles laid out before them. It’s been a week since the awkward reveal, and while they still text each other regular updates (good mornings and good nights, and little anecdotes from throughout their days), Juyeon and Chanhee haven’t brought up the soulmark since. Chanhee tries not to let the stress from the past couple of days show through, but the bags under his eyes aren’t making that an easy task.  
  
“You, Choi Chanhee-nim, have just earned me 80,000 won, courtesy of Kim Sunwoo.”  
  
“Congratulatio… wait, you were _betting_ on us?”  
  
Eric throws his hands in the air and puts on an innocent pout.  
  
“In my defense, you guys made it pretty easy to assume ‘things’ about the state of your ‘relationship’.”  
  
The tips of Chanhee’s ears turn a bright red at the thought of everyone’s cheeky faces and snickering at their “subtlety.” And Chanhee thought he was doing so well, too! He’s rendered so speechless that Eric decides to continue the conversation before he can get into any more trouble (he refrains from mentioning that Haknyeon, Jacob, and Sangyeon were also in on the bet-- a smart decision.)  
  
“So, what can I do you for on this fine, fine day?” Eric says, dipping a spoon delicately into the Mango bingsu he’d strategically placed in front of himself. Chanhee takes a deep breath, before giving him the full rundown. When he reveals the truth about his tattoo, he watches Eric’s face fall. Chanhee tries to read his expression, choosing his words as he continues his story; it’s a mix of pity, shock, but not betrayal (and hopefully never, Chanhee prays with a clenched fist).  
  
“... huh. That’s.... a really peculiar situation to be in, hyung. I’m sorry.” Eric’s bingsoo spoon has been abandoned in a bowl of what is now mango ice-cream soup, his attention stolen by Chanhee’s retelling of the story. Chanhee laughs apathetically, leaning into his seat; everything about this is exhausting him.  
  
“Well, it isn’t unreasonable to theorize that the human psyche has an affect on how the body reacts, processes, and projects things that are written into our biology.” Eric taps a finger against his chin as he mentally peruses the countless materials he’s read on the matter.  
  
“Besides, soulmark development processes are so dynamically variant in each human body. This might just be one of many situations across the world of a person’s mental state having a direct effect on how their body interprets the purpose of a soulmark.”  
  
“So you’re saying…”  
  
“I’m _saying_ that in this case, Juyeon-hyung probably values you, and that certain characteristic of yours, much more than you were aware of. So much so, that his biology took that ‘key aspect’ and translated it so that Juyeon-hyung would reflect it and therefore pull you in deeper. It’s like… artificial gravity. But, it’s not ‘artificial’, you know? His feelings have got to be pretty honest, if they were able to affect his body like that.”  
  
Chanhee takes a moment to ponder Eric’s theory, thinking back on all of the moments he’s spent with Juyeon where his boyfriend’s hand had lingered longer than usual along his pinkie, the times they’d be lying in bed, his back flush against Juyeon’s chest, whose arms would curl around him to hold his hands gently caressing each of his fingers, but with his focus drawn to one of them specifically. How could he have been so _blind_? Juyeon isn’t a doorknob; of course he would have been curious about a marking on Chanhee’s body, even if he himself never gave it a second thought throughout the day.  
  
“God… Eric, I’ve been so stupid…” Chanhee buries his face in his hands, shutting his eyes and rubbing his palms against his closed lids. “Tell me I’m an idiot, Eric. Say that your hyung’s stupid.”  
  
“... Uh, you’re stupid?”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Eric rolls his eyes before propping himself up on an arm to reach across the table and poke Chanhee hard on the forehead. Startled, Chanhee pulls his face out of his hands and leans back against his seat.  
  
“Saying such things won’t help you in this situation, hyung! You’ve got to be proactive about making things right, especially when you know you’ve done Juyeon-hyung wrong.” Eric crosses his arms as he relaxes into his chair, a smug smile spreading across his face. “And I’ll help you with it. Every step of the way.”  
  
“Are you trying to give me relationship advice?”  
  
“No, hyung.” Eric says flatly, before his face reverts to its previous, mischievous state. “I’m going to do this the only way us college kids know how to convey information: a Powerpoint presentation.”  
  
Chanhee looks at Eric dumbly, who is emanating his unique brand of mischievous, smug confidence. “...You’re not serious, are you?” the unchanging look on Eric’s face tells him otherwise. “Okay, you’re serious. Fine… what’s the plan?”  
  
“Well, I’ll need some time to do research first. I’ll poke around for info on situations similar to yours, and I’ll text you in a couple of days with my findings. In that time, you should probably get back to reconciling with Juyeon-hyung.”  
  
Eric takes a sip of his soda, continues. “When we both have a strong enough idea of what we want to convince-- that being, you wanting to be with Juyeon-hyung no matter the truth behind your tattoo, soulmark, whatever-- and the evidence to prove it, we’ll organize all the info into a presentation. Then, you invite him to your place, present the powerpoint to him like it’s just another blase class project, and _voila!_ Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.”  
  
Eric flails his hands in dramatic gestures as he speaks, his eyes growing wider and wider with excitement as he explains his idea. It’s all so ridiculous; here Chanhee is, taking advice from a _dongsaeng_ that’s probably only held hands with two people in his life: his mother and father. The funniest part, though, is that Eric is convincing enough that it’s making sense to him. Juyeon’s a logical thinker-- he’d at least appreciate the effort that went into this process, no matter the conclusion.  
  
Chanhee laughs, his throat dry. He-- no, everyone-- has really got to give Eric more credit: as much of a prankster as the kid seems to be, he’s quite smart and mature for someone his age, and dealt with everything Chanhee threw at him with more tact than he expected.  
  
“Thank you, Eric.”  
  
“For what, hyung? For being an absolute genius? For having the best ideas? Tell me something I don’t know!”  
  
Chanhee chuckles and shakes his head as he watches Eric’s eyebrows bounce up and down suggestively as he holds his chin. It was as if the whole serious conversation had never happened, and Eric’s thoughts towards Chanhee hadn’t changed from the time before he knew “the truth”. He could feel himself relaxing into the flow of the conversation, no longer on edge that he might have potentially lost a friend; instead, he felt as though he gained one.  
  
“Just… for everything.” 

~

 

The next couple of days pass by agonizingly slow, with Chanhee and Eric meeting up more often than they ever have to prepare their “groundbreaking”-- in Eric’s words, alone-- evidence for why things will most definitely work out between Juyeon and himself. Sometimes, at random times in the day, Chanhee will stop what he’s doing, really stop, and think about all of this. This ridiculous scheme, and how wicked he’s been to Juyeon. His forehead creases at the realisation of how pathetic he’s been, how desperate he must be to have to resort to such a ludicrous idea to get his boyfriend to believe him in him again, as if he’s lost his trust in the first place. But his fear for change just feeds the elephant in the room and it grows bigger, and bigger, and Chanhee’s too afraid to do anything about the silence that threatens him with suffocation.

He tries to keep things as “clean” as possible, pretends that nothing has happened as he texts Juyeon. And Juyeon texts back, their tone the same as ever. Chanhee still sends as many excited and odd stickers and emoticons through KakaoTalk as Juyeon sends pictures of the sunset by the river after his daily jog, or of Jacob saying hello with a basketball tucked under his arm. When his mind allows it, Chanhee almost convinces himself that nothing has shifted between them. But there’s that looming feeling that something isn’t right, and Chanhee finds himself swallowed by the rift that grows and grows in his heart, leaving nothing but a gaping hole and a cold, empty space on the opposite side of his bed. It’s frustrating, it’s lonely, and so, after days of deliberation and tiny mistakes at his part time jobs, he decides to do something about it.

 

~

 

_[newstar_CCH, 7:29:01 PM]: “juyeoni, are you free after class tomorrow?”_

_[newstar_CCH, 7:29:20 PM]: “its been awhile- so let’s go on a date!”_

 

~

 

Truth be told, Chanhee and Juyeon aren’t really the type to go out on dates often, and when they do, it usually isn’t Chanhee that instigates them. Juyeon has an adventurer’s soul, despite his stoic demeanor, and he loves strolling around the city, as well as crossing borders & boundaries: their previous adventures include the two hour trips to Busan, train rides to the oceanside, and treks along the many hilltops that dot Seoul’s landscape. They aren’t the most tedious trips, thanks to Juyeon’s consideration of Chanhee’s mild indifference towards the great outdoors-- while Chanhee doesn’t consider himself to be the _least_ athletic person, he prefers watching the sunrise from the comfort of his bed, through the cracks in his curtains, as opposed to at the top of a mountain as cool air blows through his hair. What Chanhee does enjoy, however, is being at Juyeon’s side, and so they compromise: sometimes they end up changing plans midway, to suit Chanhee’s averseness to physical activity. Other times, it ends with Juyeon piggybacking Chanhee for the last 15 minutes of the hike, his laughs like bells over his shoulder as they clamber towards the top of the hill for the ultimate reward of one of the world’s prettiest views by each other’s side.

Chanhee waits for Juyeon outside one of his university’s less traveled entrances, where they can avoid curious eyes, even though it’s a slightly further walk away from the closest bus stop or train station. The date Chanhee has planned is relatively vanilla, bearing closer semblance to their more casual days out; shopping (not one of Juyeon’s favourite pastimes, but something he’s grown to enjoy more and more since he started hanging out with Chanhee) and then a movie, after which they’ll probably grab some food to-go, fist a couple of beers, and crash at Chanhee’s place-- that is, if things go the way they should.

Juyeon appears in the distance and Chanhee’s heart can’t help but skip a beat when he sees his boyfriend, dashing and in an unzipped dark blue puffy coat that ends at his knees, a white zip-up underneath, and sweatpants from a popular sports brand to keep him warm but comfortably fashionable as the weather grows milder and spring approaches. Chanhee perks up, taking light steps towards Juyeon that match his quickening heartbeat to close the distance between them sooner, and it’s almost, _almost_ as if he’s forgotten all of the things he’s keeping from Juyeon. He tries not to let his face falter, but he can’t be certain that something hasn’t given it away.

Nonetheless, Juyeon still meets his gaze with caring eyes, he pops the phone he was texting on back into his pocket, pulling off his hood and smiling tenderly at Chanhee’s anticipating self. He doesn’t come in for a hug, to Chanhee’s dismay. Instead, Juyeon lifts a hand to the crown of Chanhee’s head, ruffles his hair slightly before pressing a chase kiss to his forehead while no one’s looking.

“Hi,” he says kindly, “hope I didn’t make you wait long?”

Chanhee’s heart swells with a powerful combination of guilt and adoration, because _oh my god,_ he loves this boy with every bone in his whole body. But it doesn’t end there, it _can’t_ , because Chanhee has a job to do, as a boyfriend and as a decent human being: he has to tell the truth. So he starts with something easy, and definitely true: “I’ve missed you.”

As the day progresses, Chanhee realizes that it isn’t easy to pretend as though nothing is wrong when the huge elephant in the room looms over them everywhere they go. Juyeon always looks like there’s something on the tip of his tongue, something he wants to say, but he doesn’t, so their moments together are mostly filled with silence and half-hearted small talk that causes Chanhee to sweat down his back, despite the colder weather.

They choose Myeongdong as the date spot, but nothing goes right. When they try to pick a movie-- they both love movies, despite having different tastes in plotlines (Juyeon loves things that are introspective and emotional, while Chanhee prefers lighthearted romances, comedies and musicals)-- they can’t seem to relent to one another’s desires, and eventually call it a draw, purchasing tickets to a mediocre animated film that doesn’t fit within either of their tastes. When Chanhee drags Juyeon to his favourite obscure thrift store and presses sweaters against his boyfriend’s chest, the reaction is generic. Juyeon puts on a flat smile and shrugs, “If you think it looks good, so do I.”

Each disagreement lights a fuse in Chanhee’s brain that he does his best to douse out each time, but it gets harder and harder to pull water out of the well with every continued occurrence-- and for some reason, every minor reaction that doesn’t meet Chanhee’s expectation seems to test his patience. _That isn’t the reaction I want_ , Chanhee thinks, irritated.

They end up leaving the store with empty hands.

They’ve just finished unproductively browsing through H&M when Chanhee suggests a snack break; bringing them to the underground passageway that holds their favourite _ddeobokki_ spot, the ajumma-in-charge’s eyes lighting up as soon as she sees the familiar pair enter the relatively quiet store (they’ve come in just before late-lunch hour). The room buzzes quietly, with the distant sound of chatter and footsteps from the hallway outside, and the subtle rumble of the subway beneath their feet.

When Juyeon’s hand lets go of his own before they sit down, unexpected relief shoots through Chanhee’s heart like an arrow; it’s a sign that now is the perfect time to do what he’s been urging himself to all day, all week, ever since that moment in the dance practise room. Chanhee sits across from Juyeon timidly, watches him unzip his jacket and adjust himself in his seat, watches the way his lips part to show his two front teeth, as his eyes wander across the slightly off-white wall tiles of the restaurant before settling onto Chanhee’s face, before he decides to speak.

“Juyeon. I… we need to talk, don’t we?”

  Chanhee’s voice quivers with fear, with adrenaline, with pent up frustration from how _awfully_ the day has gone. He intends to be kind, he wants to take it slow, but everything explodes, like a dam crumbling before it breaks and overflows. So before Juyeon even has the chance to say “sure,” to give his consent, the words come pouring out of Chanhee’s mouth at ten miles a minute.

It’s messy, and he knows it, but his mind has lost control of any form of rationality, as if it’s trying to expel a curse that’s taken hold of his heart, so Chanhee uncontrollably babbles on about almost everything: the petty backstory behind his tattoo-- which, did he mention, is a tattoo?-- about how, when he pulled Changmin and Kevin away from everyone that day, it was because he realized he wasn’t confident that he could figure anything out on his own.

When Chanhee’s anxious rant ends, all he hears is silence. He can feel the vibrations of chatter and footsteps, the distant sound of pass cards beeping through subway gates, but nothing, no sounds or breaths or sights or smells can fill the immense distance that he feels from Juyeon, who is but three feet away, across a table. He swallows, fiddles with the hem of his sweater, rubs his palms anxiously against the fabric on his thighs as he bites back the words sitting at the tip of his tongue: _‘please, say something.’_

Juyeon stares at him, his expression unreadable-- shockingly so, given that Chanhee is always, _always_ able to figure out what Juyeon was thinking whenever their eyes meet. Chanhee swallows, but it’s rough and uncomfortable because his mouth is dry. He purses his lips, waits, watches, as he scrunches his fists in his sweater, wishing for the moment to be over. Juyeon looks down, blinks a couple of times, before turning back to Chanhee, who is already bracing himself, ready for it to be over in the worst possible way.

“I…” Juyeon starts, his eyes moving to the wall behind Chanhee’s head, and it feels like they’re strangers again. It’s painful.

“I'm sorry. I don’t think we’ve had a good enough day for us to talk about this right now. And I... Chanhee, I’m gonna go.”

And Chanhee wants to say sorry, to ask him to stay, but he knows that Juyeon owes him nothing, so he keeps his mouth shut, bites down on the skin of his lips hard enough until they’re just about to burst at the seams. He looks for something else to hold onto, but there’s nothing there. Juyeon stands up, pulls his coat around his shoulders, and leaves without another word.

Chanhee’s tears are hitting the dining table before he even realizes they’ve fallen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be less of a wait than this one has been, and i hope it's been worth it! as always, comments and kudos are loved, and appreciated! thank you so much to those that have left them in previous chapters, as they provide me with a lot of encouragement. *sends hugs n kisses*
> 
> talk to me about the boyz at @sohninjang on twt!


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